The joint sharing of responsibilities for child-rearing after the dissolution of marriage creates a challenge to one’s thinking about parenting. You must examine your role and the role of your former spouse from a new perspective, which includes developing rules, living patterns, values and even vocabulary appropriate for the new situation.
While it is true that many children after a dissolution remain in regular contact with both parents, traditionally one parent was awarded custody and the other parent was the visiting or non-custodial parent. Today, many parents opt for a co-parenting arrangement, also referred to as joint custody. In this type of arrangement the child spends a considerable amount of time with both parents and the parents continue to share the responsibility for raising the child. The time allotments may vary considerably from a true 50/50 arrangement based upon specific scheduling and educational needs of the family members, the age of the child, special circumstances involved in your case, and the interest level of each parent in the continuation of a close, bonded relationship with the child. The critical factors are: EACH PARENT HAS A HOME, AND EACH CHILD HAS TWO HOMES. There are, in essence, two families.
You may ask how two people who have decided they do not want to share their lives together can work together to be effective parents. It all begins with the basic communication of each parent to remain an active figure in the life of their child. This means separating the role of parenting from the past role of lover and spouse and creating a new, workable parenting relationship in the wake of the dissolution of the old relationship. THE NEW PARENTING RELATIONSHIP MAY BE BEST VIEWED AS A BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP. Agreements that may have been implicit in the lover/spouse relationship such as, “If you are ill, I will pick the children up from school”, now become explicit agreements, or even written contracts. There must be no assumption that your ex-spouse will be there as a support to help you in troubled times with the children. The former sharing of private thoughts and personal occurrences now must change to the extension of formal courtesies, respective of each other’s right to privacy.
GOOD COMMUNICATION IS ESSENTIAL. Effective communication requires the ability to listen as well as to share. In order to jointly parent your child you must be able to communicate effectively regarding the decision which affect all of you, such as the child-sharing schedule, child-care needs, educational plans, religious training, extra-curricular activities and transportation arrangements, etc. Each parent must feel comfortable in stating his or her opinion and each must respect the opinion of the other.
Reserve your communication regarding the parenting plan to those issues actually involving your co-parenting. If you allow your anger and dissatisfaction over the things that led to the breakdown of your marital relationship to interfere in your parenting discussions, then you cannot expect to have effective communication. This may be the most challenging part of being effective co-parents, but working on improving your communication will be essential to your success.
THERE MUST BE A COMMITMENT TO CONSISTENCY in those areas where consistency is required to serve the best interests of the children. This usually involves issues of health, education and community activities. For example, if your child is in a program of orthodontic treatment each parent must ensure that the child is consistently practicing the prescribed oral care, wearing of retainers, and the like. When the children are involved in extra-curricular activities, like a team sport, each parent must be committed to taking the responsibility for getting them to practices and games.
DO NOT MAKE PAWNS OF THE CHILDREN. The time spent by the children at the home of either parent is not to be used as a propaganda session. Do not discuss any aspects of your divorce with your children. Children must not be forced to convey messages between parents that the parents will not tell each other personally. Do not involve the children in disputes regarding the dissolution process. It is important that the children feel that they will be safe, loved, and accepted by each parent and that each parent accepts that the children love the other parent as well.
FLEXIBILITY IS IMPORTANT. Even in the best of business arrangements, with all the proper agreements and the good intentions of carrying them out, the parents must be willing to remain flexible. Complicated choices may arise in areas regarding the children’s activities or the scheduling needs of the parents due to employment. Situations arise that require changes in plans. When the parents have the willingness to work toward the common goal, these things can all be arranged.
THERE MUST BE COOPERATION AND SUPPORT from relatives, friends, and “significant others” or new spouses. Even with the best intentions of both parents to build a new relationship based solely on the parenting needs of the children, new spouses or “significant others” may view the ex-spouse as an implied threat. Grandparents, angry about the dissolution, may feel that the ex-son or daughter-in-law isn’t a good parent, anyway, and actively advocate that their son or daughter seek full physical custody of the children. Friends, in an effort to be protective, may advocate leaving the entire situation behind (and the ex-spouse, too). Negative comments made by the other people about the ex-spouse can be very upsetting to the children. The point is, when you and your ex-spouse are each truly committed to sharing in the lives of your children, you must make this commitment known and understood by those with whom you and the children have contact. While you and your spouse may have chosen to “divorce” each other, chances are that your children have no desire to leave either of you, or the significant others in their lives.
In the event that you and your spouse need assistance in working out the details of your co-parenting arrangement, the Superior Court provides Family Counseling Services. We will also be pleased to provide you with the names of individuals and agencies in private practice, if you wish to seek private counseling.